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08 October 2013 @ 10:28 pm
It's funny I imagined that I could win this, win this fight  
"God's eye looks in
like a ghost you don't believe in"
Wye Oak,"Dog's Eyes"


"In my mind
in a future five years from now
I'm 120 lbs
and I never get hungover"
Amanda Palmer, "In My Mind"



I had an epiphany tonight. For a large portion of my life, I wanted to find someone to fascinate me. Someone to share their music and taste and creativity and glory with me, let me in, because my own life wasn't worth letting someone into, or no one would want it.

So tonight, I was hungover, putting on songs for my friend to listen to and then making him listen to the poetry and biography snippets of poets I think are important and that he'd like. And I realized I'm the person I'd thought for so long I needed in a mate. I've got a shit-ton of things worth sharing and enlarging other people's lives with. And other people have things to share with me -- but I'm not this vessel waiting to be filled with someone else's tastes and passions -- I never have been. Sometime in the last year and a half I've come to value myself enough to know that my voice is worth hearing.

Maybe because I'd been trying to carve out a place for my own writing voice in our local newspaper. Maybe because I'd started going "fuck it" and posting my poetry to my anonymous Tumblr because then I can have it read (and get people's responses) regardless of whether I can find a gatekeeper to publish it, regardless of whether or not it deserves publishing. Maybe because I have friends who have repeatedly made me part of their life and expressed their value for mine, and being loved changes you.
(I'd guess a little from column A, a little from column B, and a lot from column C.)

Tonight, I was hungover and not feeling guilty, because I knew it was coming and because I didn't do anything I regretted (which is also a change for me). I'd spent the previous evening drinking with the same friend I was reading poetry at/to. We were drinking because our Sunday had been shitty, and then the first half of Monday, too. Because we'd been fighting in this horrible kind of way that mostly involved him being awful at someone else because it was easier than expressing anger at me and I'd been trying to smooth things over when I was really fucking angry and refusing to be clear about why and we both hadn't had time to sit down and properly talk it out. So we talked it out, not to agree on an end goal, but to agree on peace, and clarify things, and then we drank to a better evening, and a better tomorrow.

And part of what caused the fight meant I didn't get to church on Sunday. So before the fighting commenced, but after sleeping in a bit, I was already feeling guilty about missing out on this commitment to church I thought I'd made, and then realized I shouldn't feel guilty because I was going for me, anyway, and God knows where I am all the time and doesn't need me in a special building saying special words. I then actually, briefly, started having a shiny day, because the night before had been beautiful (before hurt feelings happened). And when the day went to shit, I went back into religious mode, and wondered if my part in it was because I hadn't followed The Rules (I definitely hadn't, even though they weren't precisely written down -- but according to my mom and lots of easily shocked people, I hadn't, and according to traditional readings of certain religious texts, I hadn't, either).

I'm not very good at rule following, but I'm discovering I'm actually pretty good at being human, which, as it turns out, means owning the reality that you'll fuck up. Taking chances on love. Asking for help when you need it. Ignoring advice because your gut tells you it's bad, or because you need to climb that tall dangerous-looking tree for yourself, thank you very much, because otherwise you'll never get the view. Saying no to things you'd previously said yes to. Apologizing for causing harm. Believing you have a voice worth hearing. Losing your religion so you can find out who God really is, and feel safe enough to find yourself out...even though that process may mean fucking up.

Because you're human.

And at its messy best, that can be a very good thing.


 
 
 
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AJ: defaultburning_purple on October 9th, 2013 03:30 am (UTC)
It's nice to like yourself, innit? *hug*
Aislinn: bookthroughthefire on October 11th, 2013 10:19 pm (UTC)
Hugs back. It's a process, but one I'm finding preferable to other modes of being.